Tomb Raider - The Movie
By Bill Eagle
as printed in the August Issue of the Columbia River Reader

Different people do see things differently.  I know that my making this statement sounds kind of dumb or na´ve, but it is an important fact of human nature.   I discovered this fact shortly after I was first married.  I have always had an intellectual knowledge of it, but that is not really the same as a gut experience.  Every so often, I have to endure another "gut experience" so that I might be able to appreciate this important fact of human nature.

Both my wife and I like to go to movies.  We probably don't go as often as either of us might like, but we do try and go when something catches our interest.  I had a free evening, and I thought it might be fun to go to a movie.

"Hey Claudia" says I.  "How about going to a movie?"

"What's playing?" asks my wife.

"Oh," I reply, " A really super adventure flick; Tomb Raider."

"It doesn't sound like my sort of movie," says my wife. "Is it a horror movie?"

"Oh no" says I.  "It's an adventure movie, like Titanic, or Romancing the Stone.  I just read that it is one of the top ten box office hits this year.  It's about a woman archeologist who hunts for lost treasures.  You remember reading about Lord Carnarvon who found the treasure of King Tutankhamen?  The story is about Lady Lora Croft.  It should be really interesting."

My wife's tastes are a bit different than mine.  Where I like action and adventure, she likes things cerebral and uplifting.

"I don't know," says my wife, "I am really busy.  Are you sure that this movie is worth seeing?"

"I only know what I read," say I in my most convincing voice, "I am sure that it will be worth your time."

My wife reluctantly agrees to go, and we are off to the movies.

We select seats in the back of the theatre.  My wife is not comfortable.  The springs in her chair are broken, and they are poking her.  We move.
The next seat is sticky.  It has gum or some other unpleasant substance on it.  I can tell that she is less than happy, but we finally find a seat that is almost acceptable and we get ready to watch the movie.

The lights dim and the movie begins.  Opening credits flash and we see our heroine, Lady Lora Croft, in short shorts, automatic pistols strapped to her thighs, battling giant mechanical monsters.   Laura is played by Angelina Jolie, and is she ever a babe.  She struts, she kicks, she swings from ropes.  She has nice legs, puffy lips, and outstanding boobs.  She draws and fires her twin automatic pistols, without blinking an eye, and smiles as monsters try to decapitate her with whirling stainless steel blades.

My wife is not happy. "I thought you said that this was a mystery? 

"No" whispers I. "It's an adventure movie."

Laura has just jumped from a balcony and is kicking the stuffing out of a would be terrorist.  She has now disabled six or eight armed mercenaries, and you can tell that she is starting to become annoyed. 

"This movie is stupid" says my wife

"Sssssh" says I.  Laura needs to find out where the two halves of an ancient artifact are buried in space and time.

"I can't believe you talked me into going to this movie." Grumbles wife.

"Ssssh" says I again.  "I think that she's going to take a shower."

NEXT PAGE