Gonzales Gonzales

By Bill Eagle


We seem to be living in an age of alternative news and alternative realities. I thought it might be fun to share a little bit of alternative history with you.

According to Wikipedia Francisco "Pancho" Villa (born José Doroteo Arango Arámbula; 5 June 1878 – 20 July 1923) was a Mexican Revolutionary general and one of the most prominent figures of the Mexican Revolution.”


He was the spirit of that revolution; he was a bandit, a revolutionary, a hero and a martyr.


The Mexican revolution lasted over 10 years. It was a lawless, blood filled tumultuous time in Mexican history and many a bully and many a bandit, tried to emulate Poncho Villa. 


Such a man was the Bandit Gonzales Gonzales.


Gonzales Gonzales was a thug. He lacked both the intelligence and the real revolutionary spirit of Poncho Villa. To be truthful, he really didn’t give a rip about who was President of Mexico, be it Francisco Madero, or General Victoriano Herta.

What Gonzales Gonzales really cared about was his own freedom. Freedom to steal, bully and terrorize the less fortunate.


It was a hot and dusty day in Los Diablos, a small village situated somewhere between the states of Sonora and Chihuahua. Los Diablos didn’t have much to offer visitors. They had a fairly reliable village well, a mission church, several adobe homes and a run down seedy cantina.


Little Pedro Hernazdez jingled the pesos in his pocket and whistled a song as he walked into the Los Diablos Cantina. It was apparent to all that he was a happy man as he leaned over the Cantina’s dusty bar and ordered for himself a warm Mexican beer.


Pedro was on his second beer when a bearded man wearing a large Ammo belt and a Sheriff’s badge pushed his way through the cantina’s double dutch doors.


“Has anyone seen Gonzales Gonzales? Someone has telegraphed me that he is in this area. I have ridden all the way from Hermosillo. The Federal government and the combined states of Sonora and Chihuahua will pay 10,000 peso’s reward for information leading to his arrest. “


10,000 peso’s was a very large amount of money, even for an incompetent bully like Gonzales Gonzales.  People looked up from their card games and a murmur could be heard from the crowd.


Little Pedro slowly turned away from the bar and faced toward the Sheriff.  He wiped a few flecks of foam from his mustache and said “Sí señor Sheriff. I have seen Gonzales Gonzales.”


People shook their heads in disbelief. Pedro seemed happy and still had money to buy beer. They looked at little Pedro Hernandez. He was bairly 5’ 5” with his boots on. How was he able to have seen this bully and bandit and yet not have a mark on him?


The Sheriff looked at Pedro and said. “Tell me about it.”


Pedro stood as tall as he could and said: “I was riding on my horse out by the old El Borrego mine. When who goes riding out of the mine but Gonzoles Gonzoles. He pulls out a great big pistola, points it at me and says “Get off your horse.”


Little Pedro motions for another beer and continues. “Now, I did not want to get off my horse, but Gonzoles Gonzoles has a great big Pistola and he is pointing it at me, so I get off my horse.

Then Gonzolas Gonzolas he say “Give me your Dinero.”

Now, I did not have much Dinero. All I had were two Peso’s and three centavos.


Gonzales Gonzales he say “Is that all you have.”

I said “Sí señor.”


He then looked very hard at me shook his pistola and said “Little Estúpido, if that is all the dinero you have, then kiss your horses extremo.”


Now señor Sheriff, I do love my horse, but I don’t love my horse that much, but Gonzales Gonzales has a great big pistol and he waved it at me so I kissed my horses extremo.


Then Gonzales Gonzales he laugh, he laugh and said “eat your horses excrementos (its’ droppings.”)


Now Sheriff, I was not one bit hungry, but Gonzales Gonzales has a great big pistola and he pointed it at me. So I ate some of my horses excrementos.


Gonzales Gonzales he laugh. He laugh and laugh. He laughed so hard that he dropped his pistola.


I picked up Gonzales Gonzales’s pistola and I said to him “Gonzales Gonzales, get off your horse.”


I tie Gonzales Gonzales up and I take my money back from him, and maybe a little bit more. I leave him where I found him at the old El Borrego mine.


Now Señor Sheriff, you ask if I have seen Gonzales Gonzales. Why I just had lunch with him this afternoon.




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