Lizard dates Cow

A certain reptile and a female bovine quadruped are rumored to be engaged in an extra species affair.
Reminiscent of the series Upstairs/Downstairs on PBS, the individuals in question have crossed the barriers that would normally have separated their two phylum.   The female in question has been rumored in the past to have trouble handling money and may have been an easy target for the lizard.  What the outcome will be and what will be produced by this union is yet to be seen,  But if there is film at eleven I definitely want to see it.


Mayor on Steroids

His majesty Randal the insignificant in response to his sagging performance ratings has decided to initiate the use of steroids.
Needing to "Bulk up his image" which has suffered from the ever nagging "wimp" problem.   The mayor just hasn't been the pillar of strength the community needed up to this point and wanted to show a more He-Man image.  Mr. Appaloosa, the chief legal assistant to his majesty is tired of constantly defending against complaints about the royal image and has nodded approval to the proposed drug program.  A special council meeting of his excellence Huffy the self possessed and the other exalted ministers will be held to amend the city drug ordinance to allow the mayors steroids to be exempt from testing.  All hail his greatness Randal the inflated....


Rock and a Hard head

Now that Gregory the sycophant at the request of he of Little worth has "completed" the Columbia view amphitheater the city is free to continue its quest for excellence in the use of concrete.  We may want to revisit the 30 food dog but this time it would be created from concrete and become the towns symbol or mascot a minion was heard to say.  With the expertise we gained with the amphitheater stairs project the upcoming plaza paving will be a piece of cake and will demonstrate a level of engineering excellence that other cities can only dream of.   If they eat badly and have nightmares, that is .


Don't Toy with Us!

In response to allegations of selling terrorist toys and after a visit from undercover agents of the homeland security dept. dressed up as bozo the clown,
Puffer bellies toy store has announced it is closing.  We consider our possible violation of copyright laws to be the final straw and have determined our best response
to this intrusion is to eliminate the chance of reoccurrence by closing down.  "They can't shove people around like that and not expect a response", so we decided that
we would show them who's boss by eliminating any opportunity for them to harass us.   People can visit the shop during its Going out of Business sale,  where all
sales a final and reported dutifully to the FBI. 

These Books are made for Walkin'

Holy dictionary Bat Man, the emperor has no books.  In an announcement today the city announced that its library would combine with others in the county to form a regional library system..  The merging of our library with the others would allow us to achieve unprecedented levels of efficiency. 

"Just think of all the books we could sell if we gained control of those other libraries", an assistant was heard to mutter.  "There is no reason for them to have such a surplus of books when their sale could benefit the whole region."  "I think anyone affiliated with those other libraries who opposes this is just being selfish." 

This move continues the cities "Quest for excellence program"  which has brought you such stunning success stores as the city parks employment elimination efficiency study and the code enforcement as income review.



*Please note that all the views expressed above are entirely those of Mugwump The Malcontent and do not necessarily represent the views of Bill Eagle, The St. Helens Update, his wife, their neighbors, the workers at Burgerville, McDonalds, or the nice lady who delivers our morning newspaper.  See Disclaimer